Still Here

It has been a long time since I've written. So much has happened that I didn't have the time to write it all down. My Master and I are still together. His life was so hectic and I did not help it by demanding more. I was feeling insecure again. I didn't trust enough to realize He was going through some tough times. Didn't help that He can't seem to say He loves me. I know He does, it's just something He cannot say. We celebrated two years together last month. I asked for more rules, harsher punishments. I want to learn more of this life. I want Him to teach me. I am at the point in my life where I hear His ring tone and I smile, no matter how bad my day is. I get hot just hearing His voice. I melt when He tells me "you're mine."

I am His. My body, my mind all of it. I will happily kneel before Him in a crowded room and do His biding. He has me reading Carrie's Story, about a girls journey through this life. It's amazing, I love reading it. The training she receives is harsh. I am not sure I could handle a lot of it since I don't handle pain well, but I am curious and I want to try it. I get hot thinking about it. Odd, because when I first started this life, the idea of being smacked hard in the ass appalled me. Now...it turns me on.

I remember one time I was talking to my Master about the movie "Coming to America" I had just watched it. I was commenting on the scene with Eddie Murphy's new bride, the one raised to be just for his pleasure. He told her to bark like a dog and she did, without question. I told my Master. Things like "Can you believe she just did it?" "I wonder what it must be like to just be raised for one purpose," so on and so forth without really thinking. Then my Master said "bark" I stopped talking I was so shocked. I hadn't seen that coming. He waited I stumbled wondering what to say and then I barked. He said "louder." So I did. Then He said "good girl". Those words are like a caress on my skin.

What's odd is that I feel stronger. Now that I've learned to kneel, I feel I have more backbone. Isn't that odd. I don't take a lot of crap from people I used to. I stand up for myself when needed. But always will kneel for Him, I will always do all He asks of me. How can I have these separate feelings? It took me a while but I think I figured it out. He gives it to me. He's made me feel beautiful, wanted, cared for, worthy. Those are very powerful feelings. Once you feel them, you do stand taller. That gets noticed too. I walk differently. I walk a little sexier. I smile more. I talk to people more, I'm not as shy.

All this in just two years. I wonder what the next to will bring. So for now, I am still His and all is calm.

At the end of the day, it is always us.